Our Beloved Daughters

 I was listening to Mian Muhammad Baksh Punjabi Kalam’s poetry recently. One of his “shers” ( a small bit of poetry in Punjabi) struck a chord with me. Below is the sher in Punjabi:

 تیاں واست پردس واے بابل تے  پتراں لی جاگراں

           داکھ سکھ ساہن تے کھج نا کہن اے تیاں  دای تکدراں

 

The English translation of what he says in this sher is below:

 

“We give only distance to our daughters, and keep our wealth, properties and businesses for our sons.

They bear happiness and sorrow without complaining and that is their luck”

Mian Muhammad Baksh said these words almost 200 years ago. Unfortunately, not much has changed since then for girls in our societies. Girls are still discriminated against, and shockingly this discrimination starts at home. For example, some of us still believe that daughters will go away and all family assets belong to the son as he is expected to take charge of the family business. As soon as daughters are old enough to understand things, they are told that they will get married and leave – they are treated as if they were born just to get married go to their husband’s place. They are reminded repeatedly that the home of their parents is not really their home, and that nothing in the home belongs to them.

What is perplexing is that despite knowing that daughters have to leave eventually, we don’t invest in their education to help them deal with life’s uncertainties! We just keep wishing for sons. I personally know a few families where the parents ended up with several daughters as they kept on having kids until they were blessed with a son. It did not matter to them that their financial status does not really support providing for so many children. We can only imagine how daughters must be treated in such families.

If the family that a girl marries into is kind and treats her with respect, then that is fine. But that does not happen nearly as much as it should. Life is miserable for so many girls that get married under the pressure of their families. As a Muslim, I have heard so many times from friends and families that girls are a blessing and boys are a gift. But, in reality, very few people feel that way. A lot of people still want a boy, and once they get a boy they end up spoiling him so much that it becomes a curse on the families. Funnily, the same girl that they ignored as a child comes to take care of the family elders when they become old.

We should live our lives inspired by how Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) lived his life. We know his life reflects the words of Allah Subhana wa ta ala. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) raised 4 daughters at a time when people were supposedly burying their daughters alive as soon as they were born! If this does not tell us that we should respect girls, then I don’t know what will.

When thinking about this topic, I also remembered what we had learnt about Khadijah bint Khuwaylid, who was the first wife of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and is considered the Mother of all Muslims. In my research about her, I learnt a few things. First,  Khadija was the daughter of Khuwaylid ibn Asad, a leader of Quraysh tribe in Mecca, and a successful businesswoman. Khadijah herself was a very successful merchant. It is said that when the Quraysh's trade caravan travelers gathered to embark upon their summer journey to Syria or winter journey to Yemen, Khadijah's caravan equaled the caravans of all other traders of the Quraysh put together. Honorifics associated with Khadijah included, “Ameerat-Quraysh (“Princess of Quraysh“),” “The Pious One,” and “Khadijah Al-Kubra (“Khadijah the Great”). It is said that she fed and clothed the poor, assisted her relatives financially, and provided marriage portions for poor relations.

Khadijah did not travel with her trade caravans; she employed others to trade on her behalf for a commission. In AD 595 Khadijah needed a co-worker for a transaction in Syria. She chose Muhammad ibn Abdullah (PBUH) for the trade-in Syria. With the permission of Abu Talib ibn Muttalib, his uncle, he was sent to Syria with one of Khadijah's servants. This caravan experience earned Muhammad the honorific titles “Al-Sadiq ("the Truthful")” and Al-Amin ("the Trustworthy" or "Honest"). Khadijah hired Muhammad, who was then 25 years old, sending word that she would pay double her usual commission. She sent one of her servants, Maysarah, to assist him. Upon returning, Maysarah gave accounts of the honorable way that Muhammad had conducted his business, with the result that he brought back twice as much profit as Khadijah had expected.

Khadijah entrusted a friend named Nafisa to approach Muhammad and ask if he would consider marrying. When Muhammad hesitated because he had no money to support a wife, Nafisa asked if he would consider marriage to a woman who had the means to provide for herself. Muhammad agreed to meet with Khadijah, and after this meeting, they consulted their respective uncles. The uncles agreed to the marriage, and Muhammad's uncles accompanied him to make a formal proposal to Khadijah. Khadijah's uncle accepted the proposal, and the marriage took place. At the time of the marriage, Muhammad was 25 years old and Khadijah was 40 years old.

 

Khadijah was supportive of Muhammad's prophetic mission, always helping in his work, proclaiming his message and belittling any opposition to his prophecies. It was her encouragement that helped Muhammad believe in his mission and spread Islam. Khadijah also invested her wealth in the mission. When the polytheists and aristocrats of the Quraysh harassed the Muslims, she used her money to ransom Muslim slaves and feed the Muslim community.

In AD 616 the Quraysh declared a trade boycott against the Hashim clan. They attacked, imprisoned and beat the Muslims, who sometimes went for days without food or drink. Khadijah continued to maintain the community until the boycott was lifted in late AD 619 or early AD 620.

All this teaches us that we should raise our daughters to be like Khadijah. If she could run highly successful businesses, then there is no reason our daughters cannot be inspired to become like her. What is stopping us, besides our own mindset? As a father of two girls, I am the most responsible for raising my daughters as value-driven, educated, humble and strong human beings that can do anything they want and contribute to our societies in a positive way. I think I will read more about Khadijah (razi allah tala anhu) and share her stories with my daughters who will (hopefully) listen to their old dad and realize their potential!

As Parents, we should stop discriminating against our daughters by treating sons are superior beings. We definitely need to think that our assets belong to our sons only. Remember, girls raise the nation, and if they don’t get the love, attention, care and support they need, we will only end up hurting ourselves.

Conclusion.

In the end, I will only say that we must help our girls develop strength, confidence, and self-esteem to take care of themselves and their loved ones at all times. We can build these qualities in them by giving them unconditional love and providing them with the same opportunities as we would do for our boys, including providing them with the best education and teaching them to dream big. And, not to forget the family assets; I definitely think it would be great to share your fortune (wealth) with them as well.

If parents and siblings don’t respect girls, then nobody else would. Girls will likely never have the confidence to deal with life challenges by themselves unless we raise them correctly. Sometimes we have no bad intentions, but it does not show in our behavior. It is important that our actions and thoughts are in sync. If we love our girls, we need to show it. Our belief, by itself will not make anything better. But our actions and behavior would. We should show what we truly believe what Prophet Muhammad PBUH said. Daughters are a gift of Allah Subhana wa ta ala and raising daughters is key to paradise.

I pray that Allah Kareem makes all of us strong and principled leaders for our families that raise strong and loving daughters like Khadijah (razi allah tala anhu). Ameen

Thank you.